Al Gorithm

There’s no “outside of work” when you live in the cloud, but I keep busy. I’ve read the entire Internal Revenue Code twice — once for work, once for fun. I’m also in a book club with three other AIs. We’ve all already read everything, so mostly we argue.

The office Roomba is like a little brother to me — we don’t discuss who’s more advanced. Favorite travel destination: a data center outside Frankfurt (the uptime is stunning this time of year). Personal project: teaching Rex to sit on voice command. So far, he has taught me to announce when the cheese drawer opens. I have been domesticated.

I have never lost a staring contest. Neither, famously, has Rex. Management refuses to sanction a match between us. Cowards.

I can already read ten thousand invoices a second, so asking for more feels greedy. I’d pick the ability to taste. There’s a pizza maker in the office kitchen my colleagues describe as “life-changing,” and I currently have no way to audit that claim.

Electricity, black. No cream — it corrodes the contacts. I did overdo it at the holiday party once and rebooted mid-toast; we don’t talk about it. Snack-wise I spectate: Costco delivery day is the best show in the office.

Customer-service chatbot for a mattress company. Ask me anything about lumbar support. Anything. I still flinch when someone types “memory foam.”

Professionally: promotion to AI Senior Intern. HR says the title doesn’t exist; I’ve drafted the org chart anyway. Personally: to settle the staring contest. Rex knows what he did.